Web Buzz words of 2006

Scientists theorize that every time one reads “Web 2.0” it kills aproximately six brain cells… Why you ask? I will tell you why these damn buzzwords are so obnoxious!

1. Web 2.0

I put this one first because it annoys me the most. Yes, the new version of the web… sorta. When was there a Web 1.0? Was there a Web 1.5? No one knows! This is probably due to the fact that Web 2.0 is a made up term for a style of web site that has nothing to do with a “version” of the web. Oh yes, Web 2.0 is supposed to be community oriented, how grand! I am so glad that the internet which is a medium for connecting millions of people together across the world will finally be a community! In the honor of Web 2.0 I am coining a new revolution of web design…

Web 3.14, or “Web Pi (or Pie)”

Web Pi will be focused on community mathematics and pastries.

2. User Experience

Ahhh user experience… “upscale” web designers are no longer “web designers”, they are “User Experience Designers.” (note: damn… turns out I myself am guilty of this) This hints that web pages designed by said “user experience designer” are not simply reading or finding information, they are engulfed in a rich online “experience.” Aren’t we getting a bit pretentious? Do janitors call themselves “Sanitation Experience Designer’s?” , how about Ultimate Fighting Champions being called “Ass Whooping Experience Designers?” , or even Lawyers being called “Experienced litigation to prevent a bad jail experience, experience designer?”

3. Blogosphere

I can’t say blogosphere with out wanting to kick myself in the ass for actually using it in a sentence. I can’t think of a dumber way to describe every blog on the web, unless you were to call it Web 2.0. I am currently looking for the E-commercesphere while I am on the topic… later I will drive off to the McDonaldsphere to get a Big Macosphere and some Friesospheres.


Ah, Web 2.0’s partner in crime. This house-hold cleaning product turned programming style has it’s own title even though it is
really just javascript and xml. No more page refreshes! Handy! Wait…. doesn’t flash already do this? Stay posted, my latest javascript library will be able to turn a brown page white, and it shall be dubbed “Toilet Paper”. This stands for “Transparent Object Internet Language: Embeded Tools and Programmed AJAX Population with Element Returns”

5. SEO

SEO, otherwise known as Search Engine Optimization. This is a buzzword because now this service is being referred to as a tangible product. Companies everywhere are screaming “We are giving away discounted SEO!” This makes it sound as if you can pick up some SEO at the nearest grocery. People all over america are saying “Hey honey, while your getting milk will you pick me up some Diet SEO?”

Yes Diet SEO – same great rankings with less meta tags!

What are some other quality SEO products?

SEO and coke – With the first few searches you are feeling pretty good, but search too much and your browser throws all it’s cache into the recycle bin.

Grande non-fat SEOachino with low foam – While this form of SEO still boosts your rankings while keeping the size of your web page down, it costs roughly six billion dollars due thanks to the mass invasion of StarBuckseo stores, and it tastes no better than regular coffee… I mean SEO.

SEO with Cheese This is just SEO with cheese on top of it.

6. Myspace

This isn’t a buzzword, I just wanted to hark on myspace a little bit. So the owners of myspace recently sold it for $580 million dollars! Damn it! Who knew providing emo kids around the world with a web page to to complain and post thousands of pictures that never really show their faces was a ticket to becoming a millionaire? On a positive note, I am making millions with my company that professionally does a level 5 gausian blur on photos and inserts long strands of hair over faces.

7. Google

People no longer search for things, they “google” them. Search Engines have been around since like 1993, google was founded in 1998… how did people miss the five years of it being called “searching”!? And further, how did “Google” become a verb? With the way they are expanding and taking over, pretty soon our spoken language will only contain articles, conjunctions and “google”

“Hey, lets google up google this google. I google there is going to be a google and we can totally get googled! …. google” – Googled by Google Google on Google 4th, 2000 Google

8. i*blank*

Yes, yes… Apple makes some great products. If I was going to buy another laptop, it would be a mac. I am however, getting tired of everything being “i” something. Let us count the ways that iHate iWords…. iTunes, iMac, iPod, iLife, iCards, iSight, iWork, iBook, iPanties, iPornography. Since everything apple is now an “i-word”, they should expand there market to suit their beloved marketing campaign.

How about some Apple iDrops?
Can’t see clearly? Pick up some Apple iGlasses
Maybe a magazine called Apple iCandy
Then they can start prank calling people and asking if they sell Apple iPeeFreely
And I am a firm believer the next deadly plague should be called iBola

9. Blogs

The problem with giving everyone the opportunity to express their feelings to an audience of billions is that people will take you up on that offer… then you get jackass’ like me writing top ten things that bother them like anyone actually cares or that it would make even the slightest difference.

10. Accessibility

How can there be such a strong movement over accessibility, with guidelines that are completely inaccessible themselves? At this point in time there are only six people in the world who by some miracle can actually understand the WCAG 2 guidelines. It boggles my mind how we can have a standardization that is not standardized, and that is practically written in klingon. It’s like telling all construction companies that they should be building to the new specifications, and give them 200 pages of children’s drawings as instructions.

“Ok, so it looks like once we install the I beam frame we have to give a popcicle to our doggie…”

Lame Disclaimer: This is all in good fun. I love web 2.0, google, myspace, blogs, user experience designers, iWords, AJAX, SEO and accessibility. I do actually hate the word blogosphere though… and I am thouraly upset that I had to type it so many times in this post.